As you've seen, I haven't been posting much. I got my old job back as a cashier three weeks ago, and I have gone home early twice and didn't go to one shift. That's pretty bad, I've got to say.
There's a lot that's confusing me or just creating negativity in my life right now. If you've been following me for a while, or just happened to go through my archives, you'll know what I'm talking about from this post in January. It's long, and it's sad. This post won't be nearly as bad.
I have trouble being around large groups of people constantly, yet I'm a cashier. I'm looking for a second job, yet I can't handle my first one. I'm starting to isolate myself again, yet I say I'm getting better. I feel like if I quit my job, then I'm giving up and I'll feel like a failure, though it's been on my mind this week; but I need money. I'm comfortable and uncomfortable in my skin all at once, and I don't know what to do about it. I got a tattoo yesterday, the word "Serenity" across my wrist, and it holds so much personal meaning, but I don't feel all that different.
I'm starting to lose control and it scares me. I don't know what I'm doing anmore. I know what I want to do with my life, but the steps needed to get there seem to be too much for me to handle. I guess I just feel like a pathetic failure.
Let me stop you right there. I'm not posting this to get pity comments, or negative ones, or encouraging ones, or anything. This is my personal blog, kind of like an online visual diary of sorts, and I just think that the people who follow it deserve to know what's going on. Because, hell, some of you have been with me for over two years. That says a lot.
So, I'm taking a hiatus. I'm not dressing up or wearing heels anymore. I'm not wearing my contacts or putting on makeup and I don't take photos of anything. Ever. I'm not stopping blogging forever, just for a bit. Whether it be a week, or a month, or more, I have no idea. All I know is that I'm not ok, and I need to be. For myself, and for others.
So, until I'm ok, I say thank you for following me, and goodbye.